The Book!
(early draft idea for a cover)
Coming This Fall
About the book, including contents, early reviews, and news about the upcoming publication…
Gay Singing Sailor Takes On Russian Nuclear Submarines
Part of what I love about my people is the humor we have about being gay. OK, not everyone all the time, for sure, but c’mon… we get huge credit for the fun and laughs we have at our own expense.
Gay prankster humor hit global politics this week with the Singing Sailor, a response to months of Russian nuclear submarines violating territorial Swedish waters. A group called ‘Swedish Peace and Arbitration Society’ (SPAS) responded to the famously homophobic Russians with a neon sign depicting a sexy sailor with the message: “Welcome To Sweden, Gay Since 1944.” 1944 was the year Sweden made homosexuality legal.
And in case any passing submarines miss the sign, it also pings out Morse code into the surrounding waters spelling out the message “come this way if you are gay,” a message no submariner could miss.
So how does this help playfully funny art project help explain gay people?
Well, there is an ancient tradition of pranksters in many religions, the unexpected wisdom that subverts the rigid thinking of the day, and as gay people we often appear like unsettling pranksters. Unlike pretty much every other minority group gay people pop up unexpectedly in every family, community, religion, and culture. So at our best we sometimes play this role of sacred prankster, something like Bugs Bunny who managed to make the guy with the gun look the fool by not taking himself too seriously.
Responding to territorial incursions by nuclear submarines with the timeless icon of a gay sailor? Genius.
Going down:
And just to be clear how friendly this all is, Daniel Holking of SPAS clarified in an official statement:
If there is a submarine down there and there is a crew member who hears or sees the sailor, they are welcome to join us in the Pride Parade on August 1 in Stockholm.
I love my peeps.
…for more background, and to see the sign dance:
Panti Bliss On What It Feels Like To Live In A Homophobic World
Panti Bliss is an Irish drag queen, and an incredibly articulate person. As political controversies in Ireland escalated, she accused a Catholic lobbying group of homophobia, and got tons of blowback.
Her response, on the stage of Dublin’s Abbey Theatre, is powerful:
She followed up with a TED Talk where she got a standing ovation:
All Those Gay Marriages That Never Happened
It’s only a one minute video, just watch it. So simple.
Why There So Few Gay Male Role Models
Traditional communities were often led by wise old men. So where are the gay men who should be at the peak of their careers and influence, leading the way forward, and serving as role models for the younger generations? Why are there so few older gay male leaders out there?
The answer is easy: They died.
For gay men around my generation, AIDS took many of the best and brightest, the most creative, and those most likely to be daring, extraverted, outgoing, and driven. Wars decimate generations of young men. 60,000 American soldiers died in Vietnam, while AIDS took 300,000 from the 5% of the populations that is gay. Those who survived either suffered decades of serious illness more like the end of life than the middle, or we were so traumatized by the illness – and the country’s judgmental reaction – that many of us have never really recovered.
Because of AIDS, and the lack of a quick medical response when the disease hit, gay men are lacking the cadre of wise old men and worldly success stories that we should be experiencing at this point in history.
Of course this means everything will change in the future. Leadership roles are now being filled by gay women – many of the most famous gay people in America right now are female, a wonderful thing to witness. And now a new generation arises – healthy, empowered, and ready to be the role models of the future.
Where Should Trans People Go To Poop and Pee?
Quick test: You really have to pee. Which bathroom do you use, the one with the stick figure on the door, or the one with the stick figure and the little triangle?
OK, now which bathroom should this guy use?
He was born female, but now he’s a contender for Men’s Health cover model. Everybody’s gotta pee sometimes. Where would you send him?
OK, then how about this guy? The US Army says he’s a woman, but he disagrees. Which restroom would you like him to use?
Or how about this guy? He was born female. Would you insist he use the ladies room?
On the other, uh, sex, this is Laverne Cox, one of the breakout stars of Orange Is The New Black. Where should she go to pee? She was born male, so would you point her to the men’s room?
Or how about this woman? Does she look like she’d fit in the men’s room? Would she be safe there?
Or how about this woman. Raise your hand if you think she should be using the mens room.
The idea of transgender people using bathrooms is one of those issues that should not be complicated.
Everyone needs to pee where they feel most comfortable. And when faced with the gender-sorted bathrooms, people should use the gender-labeled space that fits the gender they are expressing.
It is true this may make some people uncomfortable, but, well, lets all be nice to each other out there, people. And remember, bathrooms are not sacred spaces, their primary role is hygiene – just a place where we can drop the kids off at the pool, adjust ourselves with a bit of privacy, maybe wash our face if the paper towel rack hasn’t gone all empty again, and then head back into the world with a renewed sense of relief.
Or we could just change the signs…
Are God’s Laws Eternal And Unchanging?
It can be comforting to believe God’s laws are eternal and unchanging, but no Christian can think that is true, as Christianity itself was a dramatic change in God’s laws. The story of Jesus is of one of history’s most powerful revolutionaries, and Christianity has been toppling old ways of thinking ever since.
The New Testament, for example, was new because it was a change in God’s covenant with his people. The Old Testament is a listing of the laws and morals God gave to the Jews. In Christian ethics, those laws were superceded in Christ, and few modern Christians live ethical aligned with the Old Testament. Those who do follow those old laws are called Orthodox Jews, not Christians.
Under the laws of the Old Testament, God’s people ate a kosher diet and sacrificed animals on altars, yet Christians no longer practice those laws, because they were fulfilled in Christ. Or to use the most famous example, Old Testament morality of “an eye for an eye” was transformed through the life and teachings of Jesus into to “turn the other cheek.”
Christianity only exists because God’s laws did not continue eternal and unchanged, as Christ changed them. I believe modern Christians can also find growth within their morality. As the current Pope, of all people, said recently: “God is not afraid of new things.”
Why Gay Men Are So Promiscuous
Why are gay men so promiscuous? Because we are Men.
Yeah, that’s kind of it. Gay dudes are attracted to other dudes, and since most dudes like sex, making a connection can be pretty easy. Evolutionary theory says that men are wired to sow their seeds as widely as possible, so being male means being wired for promiscuity, something true for all men, straight and gay. So two men together can be all gas pedal and no brake.
Women, on the other hand, may love sex just as much as men, but are more likely to take other factors into consideration. Before the invention of birth control in a pill, for example, women could be left pregnant and caring for a child. So traditionally, women suffered more dramatically from poor sexual choices than men. In male-female relations, then, it is often men who are pushing on the gas pedal, and women in charge of the brakes.
Of course sexual ethics still apply to men, whether we are with a woman or another man. While sexual orientation is not a choice, gay people still choose when to have sex and with whom… and a surprising number choose not to have sex at all. A recent study found that over two million gay American men had not had any sex in the last five years.
Still, it remains true that some gay men are profoundly promiscuous, but the numbers are smaller than some people think. America’s largest online dating site, OkCupid, observed their customer’s online behavior and found that gay people had almost exactly the same number of sexual partners as straight people. According to OkCupid’s data, 45% of gay people and 44% of straight people had five or fewer sexual partners, while 98% of gay people and 99% of straight people have had twenty or less. So according to OKCupid’s data, the promiscuous 2% minority of the gay members had 23% of the gay sex, which sounds about right to me. A small percentage of people, gay and straight, male and female, are particularly promiscuous, but that is not the majority.
To add an even more intriguing note – as gay marriage spreads, promiscuity seems to be dropping. According to a ten year study by the US National Surveys of Family Growth, gay male promiscuity dropped significantly during the first decade gay marriage was an option.
So to review:
Why are gay men so promiscuous? Because we are men.
And are all gay men that promiscuous? Of course not.
And do changes in tolerance and acceptance affect gay men’s promiscuity? Yes.
Why None Of The Anti-Gay Scriptures Apply To My Gay Life
As someone raised deeply Christian, but born gay, I understand the dilemma modern gay life poses for faithful Christians. This post is one in a series exploring how to reconcile modern gay life with truly Christian values.
Many people use the Bible as a moral guide. Unfortunately, it offers little or no guidance for a modern gay man.
I know the Bible well. Unlike most Americans, I have read it from cover to cover, four or five times, studying it in depth each time. I find it fascinating and rich, but biblical morality is complex, which is a mixed blessing. That complexity is both its strength and its weakness, as it makes the Bible expansive, contradictory, and often messy in ways that can accurately mirror real life, but those same qualities leave it vulnerable to selective interpretation
The anti-gay language in the Bible sounds harsh at first, ripe for simplistic thinking, but a closer reading reveals more depth and nuance.
### What Jesus said
Obviously, the most important thing for Christians to know is what Jesus said about gay lives: Nothing.
Living under the Romans, who openly and enthusiastically practiced homosexuality in their social relationships and in their sacred rituals, Jesus had no comment. He was completely silent on the issues of homosexuality and gender variation.
Given that anti-gay preaching simply had no place the ministry of Jesus, it is weird to see the prominence some of his followers give it. Pope Francis recently [called that out the church](http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/20/world/europe/pope-bluntly-faults-churchs-focus-on-gays-and-abortion.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0″ target=”_blank) for what he called its obsession with gay sexuality. “We have to find a new balance,” he said, “otherwise even the moral edifice of the church is likely to fall like a house of cards, losing the freshness and fragrance of the Gospel.” Very Christlike, this Pope.
*Answers for my life’s questions*: None.
### Against nature
The Apostle Paul didn’t like any sex, including straight sex within marriage. “It is good for a man not to touch a woman,” he wrote, adding, “…those who marry will have affliction in regard to the flesh, and I would spare you that.” [1] He also wrote to the Roman people:
What Gay People Look Like
“Gay” can be such an abstract concept. It is just a word after all, it isn’t a person.
iO Tillett Wright’s TED talk is beautiful on how we define ourselves as human beings – the boxes we put ourselves into, and the commonalities we share.
And then she takes it farther, and shows the individual faces, and the eyes, of my people.
Thank you, iO. Stunning.
Advice for Parents whose Child just Came Out as Gay
Note: This is a longer article than usual, as I felt the subject deserved it.
Your First Response
So your kid came out to you as gay. How did it go? Did you handle it well? Badly? Not sure?
Best case, you totally understood the importance and ramifications of your child’s declaration, responded with glee and hugs and positivity, and then you started making plans for the celebration!
Worst case, you choked. You blew it. You completely insulted your child’s life and deepest emotions, and you may have created lasting damage for your parental relationship with your now very angry progeny.
Most likely it was somewhere in the middle. I would hope you did your best “I love you and want what is best for you” routine, but you were probably left feeling like you didn’t know what is best for your child right now. That’s OK, because this is the beginning of your learning process, and if you are of good heart and you love you child, I trust things will work out, or at least you will not be responsible if they don’t.
One of my favorite coming out stories was from a young man who spent months fretting about telling his parents, and when he finally did tell his mother he was gay she responded: “That’s nice, but you still have to do the dishes.” Your reaction may not have been quite that nonchalant, but that is fine, for reasons I will explain below.
Most likely you and your child have a history of communications both good and bad, of things said and unsaid, and of expectations met and unmet. Well, things have just taken another big turn for both of you, and the exciting thing is this could be very good news.
Your Process
This whole discussion around sexuality and gender may all be new to you, but your kid has spent years learning who they are — thinking about it, mulling it over, considering the clues, and checking their internal feelings against the larger culture to see how they fit. That’s what we do as we grow up, we grow into who we are and figure out how to be that person in the social world of other people. And somewhere along that path adolescence hits, and overpowering feelings of sex and intimacy get rolled into the mix, a process that confuses most kids and a lot of adults. The important thing for you to know as the parent is that you also get time to work through all of this. Just as your child had a learning curve, you get one too.
A Result of Gay Marriage: Gay Men Saving their Virginity
Change the rules of the game, and people’s behaviors change. Now that marriage is an option, some gay men are saving their virginity until they find the right person to marry. Whodathunkit, right?
Funny what happens when society treats everyone equally – as true freedom means freedom for all kinds of choices, even unexpected ones.